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Federal Employee Performance Evaluations

BrianCalhoun — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 20:36:44 +0000

These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations…

“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”

“His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity”

“I would not allow this employee to breed”

“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap”

“When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet”

“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle”

“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them”

“This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot”

“This employee should go far, and the sooner the better”

“Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together”

“A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus”

“He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless”

“He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier”

“He has knack for making strangers immediately”

“He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room”

“If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one”

“A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens”

“A prime candidate for natural deselection”

“Donated his brain to science before he was done using it”

“Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming”

“Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it”

“If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week”

“If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change”

“If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean”

“It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm”

“Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled”

“Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes”

“The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead”

Is this weird?

McLellan — Sat, 17 Apr 2010 03:23:18 +0000

I have a friend who spends all her time following a band to different gigs every night. She seems to be completely obsessed with this band, even going to far as to take a trip to England to be present while they played some pubs there. How they got a following in England is anybody’s guess, but I digress.

As far as I know this band isn’t that big, they’re playing in pretty small venues, such as bars in downtown Redlands. So not only does she make appearances at their performances, but she hangs out with them afterwards, they dedicate songs to her and call her family. These band members weren’t friends of hers before they started performing, and they didn’t know her at all.

Do I just not get it? Is it normal behavior to like a band this much? I can’t think of anything I enjoy this passionately.

Twitter Addict

BrianCalhoun — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 10:59:36 +0000

It’s 3am and I just posted my last tweet for the day, it was a link for some of my twitter newbie friends. Now I know that its ridiculous to be on twitter at this time of day but I can’t help it. I believe the problem if one could even call it that is PAX, with so many people from the convention on my twitter list its a constant barrel of laughs and interesting content.

Lazy Bloggers

BrianCalhoun — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 11:01:09 +0000

I have the laziest blogging team on the face of the earth, but atleast people are using twitter. Maybe they’ll macroblog now.

Crazy Week at Work

Frank — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 05:29:07 +0000

This has been a crazy week at work for sure. I didn’t have to work on Monday, seeing as it was MLK day, so that was nice, but once work got started on Tuesday stuff just started popping off. Obviously, Tuesday was a big day seeing as how it was inauguration day for President Obama. I decided to give my students an early break so they could take the time to go and see it. A few of my students said they weren’t going to watch it because they don’t like Obama. When I asked them why, they said because he is black! I couldn’t believe it. I asked them where they were from (I’ve had them in class for a month or two now, but I don’t remember unimportant things about my students like where they’re from) and there were 2 from Georgia and 1 from North Carolina. Figures that racism like that would come from the south. Anyways, seeing as I’m their Sergeant, and they’re just privates, I smoked the shit out of them for being so closed minded (“smoking” a private means to make them do a large amount of exercise until their muscles are “smoked”). Pretty much the entire break that the rest of the class was gone, those 3 privates were doing push ups. Good for them, those racists will be strong at least. Anyways, not much else happened on Tuesday of note, unless you count me yelling at a random private for trying to go into the bathroom while they were closed for cleaning at the end of the day. So on Wednesday, one of my students didn’t do his homework the previous night. Rather than take responsibility for having not done his assignment, he started stuttering off all sorts of excuses about having had duty the night prior and then falling asleep and all sorts of other nonsense. This isn’t the first time he’s had some sort of random excuse for not completing an assignment, so after giving him extra homework (and pushups) I went ahead and deemed that his new nickname is now “Private Excuses.” He didn’t seem to take too well to this new nickname, as he complained about it and disrupted class throughout the day. So, after class was over Wednesday, I went home and had a quick dinner, then headed out to my new favorite Wednesday night poker game at the bar. I got myself a Dos Equis (I secretly like Dos Equis) and took a seat and waited for the game to begin. A few minutes before the start of the game, 4 new players walked in, the 4 students I have had issues with this week! They were there with 3 of their friends from other classes, but I couldn’t believe that all 4 of them managed to walk into the place I was hanging out at after work. Luckily for me, they were seated at another table, so I just ignored them and hoped I wouldn’t have to sit at the same table as them once people started getting eliminated from the game. So as I played, I continued to drink Dos Equis (because I secretly like Dos Equis) and had a nice buzz going once the first break came. I went outside to talk with a few of the regulars during the break, when the group of students decided to confront me. Without quoting all the vulgarity, I’ll sum it up to say that they basically voiced their unhappiness with how I treated them during the week. I told them to get over it. I’m the instructor, they’re not, that’s just how it goes. So once break was over I went back inside and they had consolidated the players to 2 tables, and I happened to have one of my racist students as well as Private Excuses sitting at the same table as me now. They did a lot of talking as we played. They were smart, didn’t say anything totally direct so as I would be able to take UCMJ action against them (Uniform Code of Military Justice). I tried to ignore them, and drank more delicious Dos Equis (I secretly like Dos Equis) in order to help myself do just that. Eventually, myself and Private Excuses got into a hand together and I ended up knocking him out of the game. He accused me of cheating and made a huge scene there in the bar. Pretty soon everyone at the table was yelling at either him or me, and I was yelling too. I told him to go eff himself amongst other things. His buddies came and joined in the argument, and soon there were people restraining them and keeping them away from me as apparently they were angry and drunk enough to want to start a fight. The bouncer finally kicked out most of the group, but one of my racist privates who was still in the game was allowed to stay. Throughout the rest of the game, a lot of talk was done amongst everyone about the scene that had unfolded. I told everyone that those guys were not worth thinking about, and that everyone should just forget about them. I could see my student who was still in the game giving me the stink eye, but I didn’t care. Him and his buddies are all assholes, and I’m not afraid to tell anyone that. So eventually the other racist student of mine gets knocked out, and I get knocked out not too long after him. I think I ended up in like 6th place or something. I finished up my last Dos Equis (I secretly like Dos Equis, and was on like my 8th in about 3 hours) and headed out front, where I was immediately met by the group of students of mine who had been playing there. I told them to get out of my face, and that if they tried to start anything they would be sorry now (when I whipped their asses) and later (when I put them in for UCMJ). It didn’t seem to phase them. There were 7 of them total, and I’d guess more than half of them had been drinking. Private Excuses shoved me, and I told him he better not do that again. Right away the group attacked me. All 7 of them throwing punches and the occasional kick. Now I’m no stranger to fighting, I’ve had a lot of training being in the Army, but 1 on 7 is damn near impossible. I got a few good licks in, and I know I gave Private Excuses a black eye, but I was just overpowered by their numbers. I took a lot of punches, but I managed to keep my feet throughout the battle. Suddenly, the fight was broken up by flashing police lights. I guess they had been hanging out in the parking lot looking for possible DUI targets. The cops got out and broke everything up and started asking everyone what the story was behind the fight. The students tried to concoct some story saying I was the aggressor and that I had been attempting to steal one of their girlfriends, but other people who had been playing poker with us gave their input and eventually the cops discovered the truth. They called for additional cars to come so they could take the students away, and as they waited they talked with me about my plans. I told them I was just planning to go home for the night, and they asked if I planned on driving myself. Obviously, I was drunk, and apparently that was showing. Now, I didn’t just avoid getting arrested for fighting only to be picked up for drunk driving, so I decided I’d make the smart move and leave my car at the bar overnight. I told the cops that I would not be driving myself, but that I was ready to go home. They asked me to make sure I had nothing else to add to my statement about the fight, and once I assured them it was complete, I whistled for a cab, and when it came near, the license plate said “fresh” and it had dice in the mirror. If anything, I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought “Nah, forget it.” “Yo Holmes, to Bel-Air!”

Mortality

McLellan — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 21:46:58 +0000

I spent Thursday at my Dad’s house for Thanksgiving. My uncle Glenn and his family where there, having a good time, arguing with each other and so on. Glenn is a tall guy, the tallest in the family, and he’s got a great sense of humor. He’s the third youngest of six although he looks older because he used to smoke quite a bit. I just found out that he had a heart attack on Saturday, just a couple days after I saw him, he’s fine now, but I still feel a little shaken up about the news. Normally when I receive news like this I take it in stride. I never get upset, or worried, or depressed. When I was held up, I didn’t think about anything, my mind was completely blank, no anger, no panic, nothing. When my grandfather died I didn’t shed a tear, I was sad though, I loved him. This news though came as quite a shock to me and I feel a little weird about it. Maybe I felt a little more connected to him than my grandfather? I never did connect to my grandfather, he’s old, as grandfathers usually are, also he became more and more deaf as his years passed by, and he was getting sicker as well so maybe since it wasn’t a surprise it didn’t hit me as hard. If that’s right then I’m probably going to have a really hard time when my father dies, when I get married and my wife dies, or my kids. I suppose that’s the way of things. Scary to consider.

Family

McLellan — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 18:01:38 +0000

Whenever I see these “holiday” episodes on TV or movies the family in question is completely dysfunctional. Is this the american norm? Since I have a lot of fun when around my family I just can’t connect to these people. I just had Thanksgiving with my dad’s side of the family and I had a ball. Usually, in these types of shows, the son/daughter has a problem being civil with the father/mother. This to me is ridiculous; if you know what your parents are going to be like then why would you provoke them by talking about a certain subject or “confronting” their opinions or bad habits. Just leave well enough alone so you can have a decent time without hating every minute you spend with these people. And to that end, if you do hate every minute spent arguing and grousing then why even go? Spend some time alone or with friends. I’m heading out right now to spend some time with my mom’s side of the family, and I’m sure I’m gonna have another great time (even though I like this side just a little less). And tomorrow I’m hanging out with my dad again for his birthday. I suppose what I’m trying to get at is that you can’t choose your family and you don’t have to get along with them. If it’s a hostile environment I think it’s just best to avoid it.

Pin Numbers

Matt — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 09:52:28 +0000

You find your self huddled around a small electronic device; you hoard it and look feverishly at the others around you hoping to catch them in a brief moment where they look at you. Some do. What they see is a person hovering over this “machine” looking like a hungry animal over a five day-old rotten carcass. You look at them and say to your self, “wow, look at that person all c-backed over that” Then you chuckle to yourself and, of course, you don’t look into their eyes or at their hands…. oh never at the hands. If you look at their hands, you risk being called out… being called… whatever someone looks as a person inputting a pin number is called. Even the cashier pretends to do something for the measly 10 seconds, if your blind, it takes to input a pin. All of a sudden the cashier can get a days worth of work in that minuscule allotted time. The person in front of you seems for find a sudden interest in the ceiling tiles or in the carpet. “Is this Berber?” You wonder why nobody cares, shouts out their pin, i mean after all, they need your card do use your “secret” code of 5-4-3-2-1. And so the process repeats until you stand there all c backed over waiting to catch the unsuspecting man, woman or child looking at you while you input your pin. I mean after all if you do catch them peering over your shoulder you could call them… well anything, but most likely, you’ll walk away mumbling under your breath and telling your friends of the audacity of a 12 year old.

till next time!

Bailed Out

McLellan — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 18:45:53 +0000

Anybody else think this government bailout thing is all a big waste of time? Think about this for a second. The goverment wants to give money that they don’t have to save corporations that don’t know how to run a business. Let’s put this in perspective, say you’ve got a kid who keeps getting into trouble. Do you go down to jail to bail him out every time or do you let him stew behind bars so he can learn his damned lesson? These corporate CEOs are still making multi-million dollar bonuses even though thier company is going bankrupt. And what about these car companies who can’t get it into their heads that people don’t want to buy gas guzzling trucks and SUVs anymore. Sure gas prices are coming down now, but everybody knows they’ll be going back up. And the CEOs show up in Washington to ask for money when they flew there in their private jets? Screw that. They should have driven down there in the cars they make to show the people that they’re dependable and can make such treks. It gets to me is all, gotta vent sometimes.

Teh Thanksgivin’s

Matt — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 02:20:20 +0000

So now that grandma and grandpa are gathered for the snoozefest of holidays, (second to any cindo de mayo, or what ever those beaners celebrate) does anyone have any real plans? i mean most holidays involve blowing something up or unwrapping some overly packaged and under rated dvd. (Yea i know they are dvd’s no matter what you pack them in!) So before you pass out from the tryptophan,or have some after dinner and before dinner or lunch or breakfast (what ever time you eat) think of what the pilgrims would do. I personally like to start with a trip to the horse track, where i will bet on horses till i loose my total net worth of 40 dollars. Next i take a visit to the old folks home to vist my grand parents, followed up by gorging on a dead bird and hard bread. After that, before i pass out, i will promptly dig out my copy of Uncle Buck, pop it in the DVD, and let the ‘rents veg out on late 80′s humor while i grab my stick of m1000 and blow the crap out of something. Now thats an american holiday.

till next time!