These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations…
“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
“His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity”
“I would not allow this employee to breed”
“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap”
“When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet”
“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle”
“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them”
“This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot”
“This employee should go far, and the sooner the better”
“Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together”
“A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus”
“He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless”
“He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier”
“He has knack for making strangers immediately”
“He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room”
“If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one”
“A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens”
“A prime candidate for natural deselection”
“Donated his brain to science before he was done using it”
“Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming”
“Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it”
“If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week”
“If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change”
“If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean”
“It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm”
“Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled”
“Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes”
“The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead”
NUMBER 5: ‘They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.’
NUMBER 4: ‘This is just a 15-minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to.’
NUMBER 3: ‘Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!’
NUMBER 2: ‘Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?’
Number 1: And my all-time Favorite: (Raising your head slowly) ‘… in Jesus’ name, Amen.’
Apparently someone is being moved today and it’s my job to do it. In a stroke of pure genius they chose not to tell one of the workers she was being moved until about 5 minutes ago. I can only guess that this is to avoid having to hear her loud and constant complaints. There is only one small flaw in this plan, it doesn’t help me! I’m going to be listening to this woman complain about printer settings, her special keyboard, etc for the next 45 minutes. Now it wasn’t too long ago that I was staring at by alarm clock trying to simultaneously hold on to the last bits of sleep and trying to concoct a reason to call out sick. I love monday mornings, the angry users, the system crashing, no coffee, and an empty water cooler.
